the age of experimentation

So one of my friends read my love and friendship post and said that when she read the part where I first noticed E, she thought I was trying to say I was gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that). WTF? First of all, this is someone that knew me in my boy crazy days. Secondly, a girl can say another girl is hot, can’t she? So now I have to write about something that will really make my friend question my sexuality.

During my 4th year of college, I rented a 2-bedroom apartment with 3 other girls, two girls per room. I shared my room with another Asian girl, let’s call her Katie. She was a friend of a friend, and was introduced to us when we needed a 4th roommate. Katie and I hit it off and we stayed up late many nights talking about everything. She was cute and smart, but seemed to always get into relationships where the guy just used her for booty calls (AJ would probably say that she had daddy issues).

At that time, I had a boyfriend. VK and I had met my first year in the dorms, and we got together at the beginning of my 3rd year. It was a good relationship but was based more on camaraderie than passion. We both acknowledged that we wanted to date around more before settling down, but ended up being together for almost 3 years.

Anyways, the first few months of living with Katie were great. We shared our boy stories with each other. We talked about sex a lot, as girls will do. Finally, we revealed to each other that we’d always been curious about having sex with another girl. (It wasn’t just us, though, right? Everyone gets curious at that age, right?) After that, we would talk about it every so often, and there was always an unspoken “well gee, why don’t WE do it?” I always thought she was cute, but I definitely started to feel attracted to her after that, and I was pretty certain that she was attracted to me.

So there is actually a whole side story here involving a friend of VK named Dave, but that would make this post way too long. Suffice to say that both Katie and I were attracted to Dave, and Dave was attracted to both Katie and me, and Katie and I were attracted to each other. And although no one explicitly said anything, none of that was really a secret between the 3 of us. It was a very confusing time in my life where I questioned myself a lot on whether I really wanted to be in a monogamous relationship. And whether I was bi.

One night, we decided to have a girls’ night out with a few other girl friends, which involved dinner first and then dancing. Katie and I got ready together in our room. Her hair was really cute, she had the Rachel haircut, and she said that she could do the same style on me if I wanted. I agreed and she had me sit down in front of the mirror while she worked on my hair.

DAMN. Maybe it was everything that had been building up between the two of us, or maybe I was ovulating or something, but I was SO freaking turned on the entire time. Is the head/hair an erogenous area or something? I could barely sit still while her hands were in my hair. Also, she was wearing this really sexy dress and she looked fantastic in it. I could tell she was pretty turned on as well. The sexual tension was so thick I can’t believe nothing happened. Maybe if we had been drinking…

Later when we were at the restaurant, a bunch of our guy friends suddenly showed up, including Dave. It turned out that one of our girl friends had told them where we’d be, not realizing they’d try to crash girls’ night. Thankfully, VK was not with them. I was still free for the night! One of the guys, George, who always had a thing for Katie, literally moaned when he saw her. (I only say this to illustrate how hot she looked.) I heard Dave tell Katie that my hair looked really nice. She fondled my head proprietarily and said, “I did that, doesn’t it look good?” Then she added, “And it was a HUGE turn-on, too.” Oh my God, did she really say that out loud? I kept my head turned away and tried to pretend I didn’t hear it, but from the corner of my eye I could see Dave’s eyes nearly pop out of his skull. He kept trying to exchange glances with me (since he knew how I felt about her), but I avoided looking at him.

Sadly, there is not much more to report from that night. We went to the club, we danced, we got drunk, Katie and I were all over each other, Dave and I were all over each other, and Dave and Katie were probably all over each other as well. Damn, why did I have to have a boyfriend?! A couple hours later, we migrated from the club to someone’s apartment. Things were just starting to get interesting when for some reason I decided to call VK and tell him where I was. He yelled at me and kept asking why didn’t I call him earlier to join us, since it was no longer “girls’ night”. I sobered up in a flash, had a “what the fuck am I doing?” moment, told everyone I had to leave, and slinked back to VK’s apartment.

Nothing ever happened between me and Katie or me and Dave. Katie and Dave did get together briefly, but he basically just used her for booty calls and said shit about her behind her back (asshole). I stopped talking to him after that. Katie and I had a falling out towards the end of the year and no longer talk either.

I don’t know what would have happened that night if I wasn’t dating VK. But who knows…even if I wasn’t, I might have been too chicken in the end.

This was actually a really difficult post for me to publish. I sat on it for a few days before doing so, because I knew this would probably completely change the image that people who know me IRL have of me. I rationalized it by saying to myself that I am not unique, that many people go through a phase of experimentation, and most likely got WAY further than I did.

Also, I told my friend (from the first paragraph) that I was posting this, and she wants everyone to know that she REALLY didn’t think I was gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that), and that she is cute (she is).

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7 Comments

Filed under More About Me, Relationships

7 responses to “the age of experimentation

  1. Great post! Good on you for writing it.

    I sometimes wonder whether society views women making out (or being gay) as less of a deviation from the so-called heterosexual norm than it does men making out (or being gay). If so, why? (Does it have something to do with the average male’s attraction to girl-on-girl action?)

    Specifically: Would you have felt yourself able to write this post had you and Katie been men, and Dave a woman? Or would you have felt it too shameful to mention to your other male friends?

    (It was hard to phrase this comment without being offensive or politically incorrect. No offense meant to anyone!)

    • june

      Thanks, Perakath. You have a good point. I see what you mean. I can definitely imagine that a post like this would be infinitely harder for a man to share. (I don’t think you were offensive at all.) I can say that I definitely did not write this to turn anyone on. I’ve always thought that drunken girls pawing at each other in clubs just to give men a show is kind of lame. I don’t know if it came through in the post, but it really was a very discomfiting time in my life, where I questioned a LOT of things about myself. Though apparently that’s what usually happens at that age.

  2. After I read Pera’s comment, all of mine seem imature and vulgar in comparison to his..so am just leaving this alone and nodding my head in agreement with your mature people….:)

  3. Haha. I’m just pretending to be mature because I don’t know June very well, Sraikh!

  4. The friend that wondered...

    Great post! I only wish I was freer during that period in my life. =) I’ll have to just live vicariously through your posts.

    btw – the head/hair area is a total erogenous area!!! I’ll take a scalp massage over a full body any day!

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