A short while ago, Campbell wrote a great post (link below) about what to say to someone who is thinking about adopting. Recently, a college friend of AJ’s (who I have never met) approached him with questions about domestic adoption agencies and other adoption advice, and he suggested that she contact me. He warned me to be nice as this person could potentially bring him a lot of business. So this is what I ended up sending to her:
Hi ______,
I’m glad to help you in any way and answer any questions you have.
In terms of deciding on an agency, I joined a ton of adoption groups and was able to get some really valuable feedback. As a PAP (prospective adoptive parent), it would also provide you with a lot of great support. This probably goes without saying, but I would definitely research whatever agency you are looking at to make sure their practices are ethical.
I would also highly recommend reading blogs written by adult adoptees. A lot of what they say is hard for me to swallow as an AP, but I think it’s really important to read it, if only to know what my son might be thinking/feeling one day. Adoption is so AP-centric that we only ever really hear the AP side of things, while adoptees’ and first mothers’ experiences are shot down and belittled.
It’s important to note that most adoptees are not anti-adoption, but many feel there is a lot that is wrong with the adoption industry and that there are many misconceptions about adoption in general. Here are some good blogs:
The Declassified Adoptee – Amanda was domestically adopted and fights for adoptee rights but is also sympathetic to First Mothers and APs.
Third Mom – Margie adopted two children from Korea, and has since gotten involved in adoptee rights issues. She has a good reading and movie list related to adoption titled “Crash Course”.
And other ideas and thoughts – Campbell was domestically adopted. She has a great post up about talking to people who want to adopt.
I don’t always agree with adoptee bloggers. But I think their voices are valuable to me as an AP. Don’t get me wrong, I am not telling you not to adopt. But I know you will be inundated with happy adoption blogs written by APs, and I believe in getting as much information as possible from every side.
I haven’t read any books about adoption myself, mostly just read blogs, but I have heard that The Primal Wound is a good one.
Hope this isn’t too much or too overwhelming. Please let me know if you have more questions or just want to chat. Good luck!
There was a lot more I could have said, and wanted to say, but I felt it was enough to chew on for now. Hopefully she will come back and want to talk about it more.
What do you guys think? Was I nice? Too nice? Was it neutral enough?
I think your letter is great. I have often thought of adopting a baby from China but never got too serious because my husband isn’t supportive. I enjoyed clicking over to Campbell’s blog. Now I realize all my info about adopting has come from adoptive parents. Campbell’s was the first blog I read from an adoptee.
Thanks Melanie. I really enjoy Campbell’s blog too. My dad also was not supportive initially, but he came around eventually. Not that I’m telling you to adopt – you’ve probably got your hands full with being a mom while starting a new business! =)
I think I’ll come back to this post next time I get similar questions. Yes, I think you were the right amount of “nice” but I also like that you have made it evident that adoptive parenting requires some research, rethinking and work. A lot of first-timers just think they’re going to “get a baby” but it’s so much more complex than “and then I become a mom/dad.” If this potential AP is serious, she’ll find this very helpful. If adoption is a whim, this will seem like too much work and thought. Either way, I think you’ve helped a child out there who will or won’t be adopted in this particular family.
I like your letter. It’s a delicate subject. It’s kind of like people marrying, to me anyway. When a couple is getting married they never seem to want to look at what and who they’re actually committing to, to be honest with them self about little things they already know may be an issue in the future. Difference is of course, it’s an innocent child who’s never asked for anything that’s being committed to, that’s being taken on and deserves to be considered realistically, honestly, without blinders.
Gosh, An, thank you for including me in the recommended reading.
I’ve thought about this question a lot. I don’t pull punches with prospective adoptive parents anymore, because if I meet someone casually who brings this up, I usually have about two minutes to state my case. I always point out the ethical issues (which may vary depending on the country they mention, including the US if they’re considering domestic adoption), and I always tell them to read adoptees first and foremost, first parents next, and adoptive parents last.
And then I hope they actually do it, but honestly it’s depressing sometimes just how unwilling PAPs are to get outside their comfort zone and get into reality.
I also love Campbell’s blog – she is so direct, and can approach issues with little opinionation. That’s a good combination in my opinion.
Hey Margie, of course I would include you. I wanted to start her off easy, and I felt Campbell’s blog would be great for the reasons you stated. I also included you because you are an AP, so I thought she might be more inclined to read yours as well, and because of your crash course reading list. And Amanda’s blog has opened my eyes in many ways. All in all, I thought it would be a good start. =)
Kim and Campbell – thanks for your responses.
When we first started the adoption process, a bunch of our friends said, “we’ve also thought about adopting, what agency did you use?” But then decided against it for whatever reason. So it’s hard to gauge how serious someone is when they ask us for advice and how detailed we should be in our answer.
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